Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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