I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
