Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
