I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
