i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
