I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
