God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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