I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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