i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
