I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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