look no pants
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
