I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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