Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
