I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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