ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.