I just cut my nipple shaving
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
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theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug