that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON