lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
