Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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