I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
