he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
