youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
