i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
