i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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