Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My ATM looks so different sober.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The air was thick with penises
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
