I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
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Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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