Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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