You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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