i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
