The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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