Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
