Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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