I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
