Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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