if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
