i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
