How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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