found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
