Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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