i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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