I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
