I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
