At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
