my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
