a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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