My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
