Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
is wine microwaveable?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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