so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
