Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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