I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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