I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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