Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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