Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Randomize
