When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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