Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
