just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
