can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
