i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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